A Help Site for Dummies

That means me. I had my first paper jam in my new printer today. My wife had asked for a copy of a receipt and therein lies this tale.

It was a narrow receipt but I put it in the copier anyway and pressed copy. The receipt moved into the bowels of the machine and stopped. A warning light came on urging me to clear the jam and press OK. Problem was I had no idea how to clear the jam.

I turned to the manual. Turns out the “manual” dealt only with installing the printer and how to use its various elements. Nothing about troubleshooting.

I glared at the device. I opened this and I opened that. But no sign of the jammed receipt. Getting really annoyed now. At one point I uttered an expletive deleted and my wife fled the room, feeling sorry she started the whole thing.

Finally, it dawned on me to seek help on the HP website.

It took a few clicks before I got to “clearing paper jams."  But there were no written instructions. Instead, there was a video. No narrative, mind you, just a video showing three different places paper could jam in this printer-plus and how to get to them. Who knew?

Mine was the last displayed. By the time I located the receipt it was deep into the mechanism and torn. I tried tweezers but couldn't get a purchase. I looked at the video again and finally discovered another part of the printer that could be opened, giving me access to the back end of the receipt.

The extraction was successful. I scanned the receipt into my PC and printed the copy for my wife.

Maybe HP's website should have a video showing its new CEO how to get out of its corporate jam.

"Ruthless"

I've decided to be ruthless in clearing my closet of clothes I no longer wear or need. They will be targeted for persons less fortunate than me.

But it isn't easy to choose. Staring at clothes I've enjoyed wearing over the years I realize I have a close attachment to these garments. They are part of my work history and even my retirement. They are part of my DNA. In fact, some of them many even pre-date DNA.

Let's face it, I need a suit only for weddings, Bar or Bat Mitzvahs and the High Holy Days (and even then I can usually get away with a blue blazer and slacks). And since I also have two suits and a tux what more do I need?

So now comes the moment of truth for those “extra” sports jackets, slacks and a slew of dress shirts that go with them. Today's casual style makes most of them obsolete. Many will have to go. The selection process will not be easy.

There's a few places I can donate these perfectly good, albeit somewhat dated, garments. I only hope they will accept them. We tried giving away some clothing years ago but the agency wouldn’t accept them because they were “too old fashioned.” Picky, picky. That was then, this is now.

We will get rid of stuff.

Coming soon, “Ruthless II: What Went, What Stayed.”

“Improved” to Distraction

I received an email recently from FiOS announcing their new Interactive Media Guide. I glanced at it briefly and forgot about it. Until I turned on my TV set and the new guide sprang onto the screen.

I found it totally confusing. It WAS different and did have more information on it (which I had no use for) but I had to hunt for the programs I used to find instantly.

FiOS says their customers were requesting “more on-screen features.” I wasn’t one of them. I don't spend my life in front of the TV set searching for “new enhanced capabilities.” I'm satisfied if my programs come on when they're supposed to and go off on time. The DVR is a wonderful instrument.

Except during the football season when games run long and play havoc with scheduled programs. But we've been over that before.

I'm going to get used to this new guide and with patience so will my wife, who leaves the recording chores to me, anyway. I accept the challenge and unless something goes drastically wrong this will be the last you'll hear from me on this subject.

I'm sure something else will come along to muddle the waters.

Happy New Year!

Tonight begins the year 5772 in the Jewish calendar. May it be a year of peace and prosperity around the world.

Shanah Tovah

Forget? You Bet!

We're really starting to worry now about forgetting things. Not clinically, mind you, just silly things that make us laugh when we remember what we forgot.

But first a quick back story. Ever since we installed white carpeting downstairs we wear indoor-only shoes at home and change when leave.

Today, I drove to the gym and only when I got out of the car did I notice I was wearing my indoor-only shoes. This might not seem serious but I must wear orthotics in order to walk properly no less exercise. The indoor-only shoes have no orthotics. Then I realized I didn't take a towel, which I usually need during a workout.

I wanted to return home for my sneakers, which were right by the front door, and a towel but my wife was on a tight schedule and insisted I muddle through my gym routine. After all, isn't that what I do? So I muddled. When we got home my wife found my towel in our gym gear. I never realized it was there.

Feeling superior, she then went to her nail appointment this afternoon. When she came home she couldn’t find her cell phone. She called the number on the house phone and still couldn't locate it. Finally she went out to the garage to look in her car. Her phone was on the passenger seat. It had slipped out of her pocket as I drove home from the gym.

The best part of forgetting? Remembering!

Red Light!

That means the DVR is recoding and that's important because I think I finally hit the right combination of clicks on the TV remote to record our favorite series.

It's taken me weeks and at least one phone call to FIOS to get the hang of it. Last year I had no problem but when our favorite programs returned to the air this fall, I had lost the knack. I had to record each program separately. It was annoying and I felt foolish.

The news may be full of reports about the latest e-readers, the latest deals between one company and another to bring more content to more devices, and here I am still struggling to record a few favorites a week. This is the definition of muddling.

Which I why as I sat here in the living room writing this I asked my wife in the den to look at the TV and see if the red light was on. It was and tomorrow we'll watch tonight's “Daily Show” with Jon Stewart and zip through the commercials.

The networks may hate folks like us but without that little red light we probably wouldn’t watch their programs at all.

Pooch Phones?

We walked in our park this morning. The weather brought out parents, kids and dog owners. It was fun to observe the interaction of breeds (dogs not kids).

One owner had his dog on a lead and his eyes on his smart phone. I don't know who was leading who. But it did give me an idea.

How long will it take for someone to develop smart phones for smart dogs? The phone could fit on his collar just below eye level. Pooch could use his or her nose to select the desired icon. Before you know it all sorts of yapps will be available.

Need a hydrant? Poke the hydrant icon and the nearest relief point will be displayed. Hungry? Punch the biscuit icon and it signals your owner to feed you (I can see the pop-up ads now). Need some affection? Lick the heart icon and your owner will scratch you behind the ears. Get it?

The way pet owners dote on their doggies I have to believe some genius will develop this device and the smart money will flock to it. I can see the Bowser Bubble now.

As for cats, who walks a cat? They're on their own.