Smile, Frown, Whatever...

If I knew how to do it I would insert a frowny face here. Why? Short story.

Earlier this week I sent a text message to my grandson inquiring about his health. He hadn't been feeling well when we saw him the previous day. After a few brief exchanges on the positive side, suddenly a page of round, yellow faces appeared on my cell phone screen. I don't know how they got there but a smiley one seemed appropriate so I inserted it into my text message.

Later, my son told me these are called emoticons. So this evening I was looking at my cell phone and trying to find out how to call up an emoticon if I wanted to use one in the future. I couldn’t find them anywhere.

Out came the little Samsung booklet called “Tip, Hints and Shortcuts.” Eighty-three pages later I still had no clue how to pull up a round yellow face of any kind. With no grandchild in sight it to guide me it will have to be a while before this latest bit of technology becomes useful, if ever.

Meanwhile, Derek Jeter got his 3000th hit on his second at bat this afternoon and went 5 for 5 on the day including knocking in the winning run in the Yankees' 5-4 win over Tampa Bay.

(Insert smiley face here)(Got it from Google, not cell phone)

Missed Doubles

It's tough enough to get four guys together on the same day at the same time for an engaging tennis match. But when we do, to get tossed off the courts by a bunch of grade-schoolers, that's humiliating.

Well, I am exaggerating a bit about this morning's tennis fiasco. To begin with, it rained early in the a.m. and whether we would be playing at all was problematic. Our captain checked out the courts and since there were no puddles we decided to play.

However, the more cautious one of our group took it upon himself to determine we weren't going to play and told his friend (our fourth) who promptly went to work. By the time we found out about this it was too late. He was gone.

So we tried to play a little Canadian. That's one against two, rotating into the singles court after each game. We got through the very first point when the kids arrived. Their chaperone, or leader, told us all four courts were reserved by the town rec department for a clinic.

Saddened but unbowed we went for coffee and muffins. And a good time was had by all.

Hello, Please Hold

Here's a new one.

I got a call today from Hertz. An automated voice tells me they want to update my Hertz #1 Club Gold profile. (Sure they do.) Would I please verify my identity. If I am who I am press star. I press star.

Now comes the kicker. “Please hold for the next available service representative.” What? You call me and then ask me to hold for YOU? I gave them three seconds and hung up. They didn't call back.

Not that I'm holding my breath 'til they do. To me, it's the height of customer indifference to initiate a call supposedly for the customer's benefit and then put the customer on hold.

It's bad enough when you call in somewhere and get lost in voice mail jail or on hold for an interminable amount of time. You want to know where jobs went? They went into mindless technology. And it's going to get worse, not better.

It's the wave of the future and you better have a life vest handy.

Tips on Muddling Through

1. Read as little of the newspapers as possible.
2. Listen only to traffic and weather on the radio.
3. Avoid so-called “reality” TV shows.
4. Take naps.
5. Play sports (golf and tennis) for fun. Keep score but also perspective. You're not 21 anymore.
6. Exercise as often as possible but don't overdo it.
7. Keep your sense of humor.
8. Drink a lot of water.
9. Drink one bottle of beer.
10. Drink one Scotch (but not on the same day as the beer).
11. Eat anything in moderation.
12. Read a good book. But preferably not while you're eating. You might drip on the pages.
13. Get others to do the hard chores.
14. Get a good night's sleep.
15. Repeat.

Good night.

The Loneliness of the Long Distance Hacker

This is getting surreal. I read today that hackers are now attacking other hackers and, in effect, outing them so perhaps the authorities can shut them down.

The question this raises in my mind is: don't these people have anything better to do than sit in front of a computer 24/7 prowling the internet? What kind of life is that? What would their mothers say? (The hackers probably couldn't care less).

I spent about an hour on my PC this afternoon looking for an overnight accommodation next week on our way to Bar Harbor, ME. We've been there before and have a good idea where we want to stay.

My point is that after a while I got sleepy. I'm sure I'm much older than the hacking hackers but even so it has to take a lot of time to scour the netherworld looking for miscreants. Don't their eyes get bleary? What stamina they must have! They must be driven by some inner force or...they're on steroids.

I suppose the end result may be worthwhile but what's the business plan? The story I read said nothing about a bounty for catching hackers red-fingered. Is it the joy of the chase? The romance of the “gotcha” moment? Go hack attackers, go!

Just stay way from my door.

Gettin' Over It

Ever have one of those weekends when you look forward to going back to work to relax? Holiday weekends can be like that. You fill them with activities because it's expected of you and then when it's over you get on the bus, train, car, or whatever and coast into the office exhausted.

Of course we've been retired for some time now so there's no office to go to tomorrow but sleeping late sounds nice. Honestly, I can't recall any specifics of what we did this July Fourth weekend other than bottling our beer on Sunday and entertaining a few friends from our park conservancy today at an afternoon barbeque.

But we're still tired, although pleasantly so. My wife is very organized and things went smoothly today as long as I did what I was told and didn't offer alternative suggestions.

Our own-brewed beer was a hit with our guests and I anticipate many an afternoon of pleasant sipping as the summer glides by.

My son Rob, the instigator for the beer brewing, also sipped pleasantly today, or so he informed me via text. And now that we've crossed our own Brewbicon together we look forward to new familial adventures.

Here's suds in your eye.

Hello, Your Calendar is Calling

I've had a cell phone of one sort or another for some time and I've used it only to make and receive calls. I'm aware today's phones have many other functions but frankly I rarely use them.

I can figure out an appropriate gratuity without using the the built in calculator. The camera is good for emergencies but not much else. And since my wife manages our social events (what wife doesn't?) I never used the calendar feature. Until recently.

Succumbing to societal pressures to exercise the multi-tasking capabilities of mobile devices, I decided to try out the calendar feature. I entered my golf tee time for last Wednesday and promptly forgot about it since I also keep a written calendar on my desk.

We're playing that morning when my cell phone lets loose a ring tone I never heard before. I knew it had to be a wrong number or a solicitation but by the time I wrestled the phone out of my golf bag I couldn't read the face of the phone because of the glare. I tried to answer it but there was no response. In any case the ringing stopped. So much for that.

This afternoon, however, I'm sitting in my son's dinette having coffee before going off to bottle our own-brewed beer, when the same foreign ring bursts forth from the phone in my pocket. What the #$*%!? But this time I can see the face of the phone and who is calling me but my calendar, reminding me that we are scheduled to bottle our beer starting at 12:30 p.m. Well, hell, that's why I was there in the first place.

I don't remember making that calendar entry but at least I now know what it sounds like when an appointment is due. I doubt I'll hear it again. I'm sticking to my handwritten calendar.

As for our own-brewed beer, it's delicious. L'Chaim!