“Gather Yourself”

I love golf. I love to play it more than watch it on TV although when Tiger Woods was playing well it was dramatic. But this is more about the golf broadcasters than the players.

Here's the deal: they sit in a booth nowhere near the action yet they whisper expectantly when a player is over a putt. And boy do they analyze that putt. Inside left, curving right, double breaker, he's putting for birdie. If he's on the green in regulation, of course he's putting for birdie no matter how far from the hole he is. But the whispering adds to the drama even if the poor pro is well out of the running.

Look, I get just as much of a thrill when I make an occasional par as the next guy. Unfortunately they don't come too often in my game. Birdies? Once or twice a year.

The key to playing, however, is self control. No matter how well or poorly you play it's all about you. It's not the clubs, the ball or the course. You are in charge of no one but yourself. Which is why I really get a kick out of the broadcaster's comment after a pro make a bad shot.

“He's got to gather himself,” he intones in a breathless British accent. I can visualize the golfer hugging himself inwardly, fortifying himself for the next shot, suppressing the urge to utter a totally natural “expletive deleted.” Tiger Woods is notoriously poor at suppressing these urges.

Full disclosure: Several times this afternoon my inner self heard the admonition to “gather myself” after an excruciatingly poor shot. But it usually came after my outer self uttered a string of expletives unfit to repeat here.

CBS Sports' house Brit would have been appalled. I felt justified.